If Only
by Kira Yokai
Summary: He was fuckable. Like a girl. Yes, like a freaking girl I wanted to fuck him. Throw him down on a bed and hump the hell out of him until we both came.
1. Chapter 1

I sat on top of the bed trying not to look in the direction of the blonde-headed-mafia leader. He was so damn intimidating. I tried not to look at him and I sure didn't want him to look at me either. He was so scary. I copped a glance that I had been sure he didn't see, but I'd been wrong.

"What the fuck Matt? Quit!" He'd stopped what he was doing his icy blue eyes punishing me with _that_ look. I paid attention giving myself an excuse to gaze and just, look. My body couldn't handle it. My face was on fire. Hopefully he hadn't noticed. It couldn't be helped.

He was fuckable. Like a girl. Yes, like a freaking girl I wanted to fuck him. Throw him down on a bed and hump the hell out of him until we both came. I shook my head. Now wasn't the time to think these things because I had just missed half of what he said and now his face was contorted with a look that said, _Matt if you don't listen to a fucking word I say I'm going to knock the shit out of you._ I swallowed. My hands began to sweat and my face; it was on fire.

"Matt I swear stop drooling its embarrassing." Mello tucked some blonde hair behind his ear. His perfect hair that was blonde and soft. (I'd pull that hair one day.) Fuck, fuck, fuck! I had to stop thinking like that. I had to stop thinking about how fuckable-I mean Mello.

No matter how many times I peeked at him while he showered or when he dressed I couldn't fulfill my need. My penis's need. I took another breath, popped my knuckles, and laid down my eyes still looking, still lusting for that man and his perfect body. I wanted him, bad.

Mello shot me another death glare daring me to keep looking. I did. He was too hot. Thinking about what I wanted to do was making me hot. There was no handling it. Mello was Mello. Only, in this situation Mello was a very angry Mello.

"Fuck it Matt, your dead!" Getting up from his spot on the couch, he took long, angry strides over to me jerking me up by the shirt collar, our faces inches apart; our lips.

"Matt quit staring at me like I'm a piece of meat! It's disgusting! As if not having to worry about you molesting me in my sleep isn't enough." He stared at me, our eyes making contact. That was it. For a moment I lost it. I leaned up, pressed my lips against his, my hands against his shoulders, and my body as close as I could to his own, kissing him violently knowing that that would be my only chance. So, yes I kissed him cramming every inch of my tongue down his throat and more. I kissed him and loved it.

It only lasted a few seconds though, before finally he pushed me off himself and thereafter I do not wish to discuss what happened. All I can say is I control myself around Mello so much better now.


	2. Chapter 2

This day was going to kill me. Usually it was harder when Mello was here, but today Mello had been out all day doing only God knows what. I had tried not to think about him, but instead sit in the floor and play a video game.

I shook my head I couldn't do it. Everything I did lately was for Mello and wouldn't you know it he's not fucking here. I rubbed my temples in frustration. Why couldn't he work from home? Oh wait, I kind of ruined that with the "touchy feely" stuff and the "groping". I mean look at the man though. No one could blame me. I sure as hell didn't blame me.

The controller in my hand wasn't getting much attention, but my day dreams couldn't be helped. Speaking of which since Mello wasn't home now I could…I smiled as I got up and went into the bedroom and then the bathroom that when I entered I closed the door and locked it just in case.

Alright, alright I felt a tad weird, but for shits sake I watch the man shower and have maybe copped a couple feels of him while he was asleep. I took a deep breath feeling a tiny bit of pride slip away. That however, did not stop me from unzipping my pants and pulling them as well as my boxers down.

Alight where should I do it? On the toilet or in the bath? My mind tried finding the most reasonable solution. Bathtub. It'd be more comfortable and I could bathe afterward right? Also! It'd make a great cover if Mello were to waltz in.

Slowly I undressed myself, my clothes lying in a tiny pile in front of the white porcelain tub. Stepping in I turned the nob with the red "H" on it all the way over and the nob that was missing its letter and color completely due to fading I turned it a little bit before pulling up the stopper. Sitting down in the tiny bit of water that had already accumulated I took a bar of soap and began making use of it. I spread it generously slowly closing my eyes and picturing the blonde. My legs seemingly on their own spread apart as tremors of pleasure shot through my body my eyes shutting tighter, my hand moving a little faster.

I'm not the masturbating type I really fucking am not. Mello did this to me. Usually if I felt in this mood I would call someone, but lately Mello had me feeling like…this.

The heat from the water built up steam. The parts of my body that weren't immersed in water feeling humid. It didn't bother me though it just caused my imagination to run more free. I was okay with it, I was okay with the groans that had been accidentally slipping from between my lips, I was okay that they had slowly turned into loud moans of Mello's name. That was okay.

I gripped myself a little harder and moved my hand a little faster feeling myself slowly beginning to feel a climax until…

"Matt? Matt what the fuck?! Get the fuck out of the bathroom you closet pervert! I will end you!"

I jumped at the sound of Mello's voice; the sound of him banging his fist against the door.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! There was no doubt the he heard everything. Shutting off the water I rinsed my hand off before trying to think of a response. Honestly I didn't want to respond. I didn't want to face him, but I didn't have a choice either when it went from his fist slamming into the door to his foot.

Pulling the curtain back I tried to get my boner to go away it was being stubborn nonetheless and then it happened. Mello's foot broke the door.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?!" Mello's husky voice echoed in the bathroom blood rushing to my face. However, I kept the curtain closed I couldn't face him. He heard me, he had fucking heard me.

"When did you get here?" I asked trying my hardest to be calm and collected.

"Answer my question dammit," he said jerking back the curtain. For a moment my embarrassment overtook me until I saw Mello looking at me. It wasn't a grossed out or angry look it was a more like you-didn't-you-fuckjng-didn't kind of look which was better than the latter right? No it wasn't.

"This is awkward. You shouldn't have done that."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: In this chapter there are two POVs. Matt's and Mello's. Just wanted to give a heads up.**

No, no, no! My mind reeled of a million things I could do in this situation, but I drew up a blank on the most rational. Mello was standing in front of the white porcelain bathtub that I had been touching myself in while (not to mention) moaning his name like a maniac loud enough for Mello and hell even the neighbors to hear. I was for sure Mello was going to fucking kill me. I honestly didn't understand what the big deal was. What I masturbated to was my business and it wasn't like he didn't know I had a crush for him. I thought I had made that blatantly obvious what with the crude jokes and the "groping".

"Answer my fucking question Matt!" The blonde growled, one hand on his hip as he stared icy blue holes into my soul.

I smirked, "I like it when you play fierce, it's a huge turn on."

Alright, I took it a bit far. You never tease Mello when he's hopping mad. I learned that a long time ago. I was about to be retaught my lesson.

"Listen Jeevas, how many times have I told you about this? Huh? How many fucking times do I have to tell you I don't want to hear that shit?!" He was scary and hot at the same time. He was scary hot.

I could feel blood rushing to certain areas and I knew what it was doing to me and what the consequences would be. I couldn't help it though. When Mello scolded me it did something to me…

I stood up and stepped out of the tub reaching around Mello to grab a towel off the rack. He stood still his blue orbs watching my every movement daring me to touch him then and there. His eyes said, I fucking dare you to touch me. You know what? I couldn't resist a dare and that would probably be the death of me. I abandoned my towel and grabbed a surprised and angry Mello by the petite waist, forcing his lips to meet mine.

I sucked in a huge breath of air running my free hand through his hair feeling the soft blonde locks practically fall through my fingers with ease. I gripped a handful of his perfect blonde hair as I _walked_ a squirming, cursing Mello out of the bathroom to the bed we both ironically shared.

I did my hardest to hold him down but, he was not having it. So, trying as I might I straddled his legs with my knees and held both his arms down forcibly above his head.

I stared into his angry face and couldn't help, but smirk. Mello knew I would never hurt him; maybe force some kisses here and there, but never actually hurt him. The horrific look on his face said, "fuck you." I felt bad, but at the same time I didn't.

Smiling, my eyes met with Mello's angry blues. There was no way I was letting him go. No way in hell.

"I'm going to have my way with you." I smirked and Mello scowled.

" We'll see Matty." He hissed. "We'll just FUCKING see!" He strained against my weight as I began to untie the string lacing at his crotch loosening his leather pants. He was going commando so when I shimmied his pants down he was nice and naked. I could feel myself getting hard again and I fucking loved it.

It was nice because Mello never gave me the time of day unless he was teasing me, but not today. Today I'd show how much he had been missing by not giving himself to me.

I squirmed. That little shit was going to pay. My pants were down past my ass and he was smiling like a cat who got the cream. I wanted to punch his fucking face in! Fuck! It hadn't been enough that when I had come home I heard him moaning like a fucking chick in the bathroom no less he was moaning my name as if he was trying to get the neighbors to hear. It sucked because for a minute I felt my dick began to harden only because he sounded so fucking erotic and I knew what he was doing in there. However, Matt was my best friend we weren't supposed to be like that. He'd get clingy if we were like that and I didn't want to see Matt getting clingy. I wanted to see Matt just how he was. He however, was changing my perspective…

Unzipping my leather vest his deft hands slid down the expanse of my chest making sure not to bypass my nipples. He fingered them for a second before giving them a pinch. I let out a gasp that caught the bastard's attention. He smiled down at me and laughed,

"You like it when I play with your nipples?"

I glared at him. Fuck him. Who was he? If things were going to be like this he was damn crazy to believe I was bottom. Hell fucking no.

"Get off me Matt."

"Nah, I'm enjoying myself too much babe," he gave a smirk before continuing to touch my nipples. I clinched my teeth he was playing with me like I was a damn woman. He rubbed around them before rolling one between his fingers. No one I repeat no one has EVER played with my nipples before now.

I let out a gasp when he leaned down and began sucking on one for just a second before he pulled back and stared. He seemed to examine me with his green eyes for a moment before abandoning nipple play to move on to explore more of me.

Still keeping my arms pinned above me he managed to lean down far enough towards my cock.

I looked away. A part of me wanted to stare and see what he was doing, but I couldn't give in so easily. Not now, not after all the fuss I made.

He prodded me with his tongue while his warm hand held my erection upright. I could feel the heat from his mouth encase me and hear his breath as it became heavier. This was to my advantage. He wanted me, he wanted me real fucking bad.

Almost without warning I let out a huge breath of air as though I had had the breath knocked out of me when I felt Matt take me into his mouth. He was skilled.

Tremors of pleasure filled my body as he deep throated me. I dug my nails into my palms as my eyes clouded with pleasure and seemingly shut of their own accord. It was hard to be angry anymore; it was hard to fucking think. The pleasure my body felt. Maybe he'd been right, but I'd never give him the satisfaction of knowing.

Mello was putty in my hands. He was practically begging for it with the way he thrust his milky white hips against my mouth. I enjoyed how Sultry he was being. I couldn't help, but touch myself. Slowly I brought my hand to myself and began jerking. Oh god, this felt so good. It was my mistake though because not ten minutes into it before I realized that Mello's arms were completely free he turned the tables.

"Motherfucker!" I heard him yell as he pushed me back with all his weight he quickly gained control over the situation. With nothing, but spit he lifted my legs over my head in one quick motion and shoved all of himself inside me. I let out a low hiss. Fuck it hurt, but the more he began to move and the more pace he picked up the more I was okay with it. I didn't fight him like he had fought me instead, I let him have his way; leaning my head back as I held my legs for him. I let out loud moans the harder he pushed. He had no idea how long I had waited for this. Maybe I wanted it to happen slightly different, but I had no qualms about how it happened now. I was completely fine with it.

I thrust my hips violently. What the hell was I thinking. "Oh fuck!" It didn't matter right now. I'd never been in Matt before and he was right I was missing out. However, I was getting too close to climaxing and Matt on the other hand was yelling for it harder. If it got much rougher I feared our headboard would put a hole in the wall and the springs in our bed would break. It sure seemed like it. Not to mention with all the noise that was happening between Matt and the bed our neighbors definitely heard.

"Ah Mello! Ha!arder!"

I picked up the pace and fucked him as hard as I could before finally I felt myself come inside him. I let out a low moan as my seed shot itself into him. Matt came mere seconds after me. He moaned my name as his got all over him and the sheets. Where the fucking black comforter went I have no damn idea.

Pulling out of Matt I laid back. Matt following suit and laying beside me. I was too tired to bitch and moan about him so I stayed silent, but in my head I thought,

"What the hell did I just do?"


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days were awkward. After we had sex (mind blowingly awesome sex at that) Mello had made it a point to make himself scarce. I wouldn't see him but once a day and that was if I stayed up late so we could go to bed together. We hadn't spoken about what had happened at all. This bothered me. It bothered more than the fact that when Mello did come to bed he scooted as far away from me as he could. Hell, one night I almost believed that he would sleep in the floor to keep away from me.

I rolled my eyes at the thought. You know what screw him. All it was was sex. He didn't have to make a big deal out of it. He never had to do what he did either. Okay, so maybe I kind of forced him into it or put the idea in his head for that matter, but either way it did not change things. What happened happened and now our friendship I feared was in jeopardy. I let out a sigh crossing my legs Indian style as I gripped my controller harder. Maybe Mello had been right about it maybe it had been beat that we both stayed the way we'd been. If I'd known to avoid what was happening now I'd gladly put my selfish wants to rest. Now I fear its too late.

I'd have to talk to him about it. I mean what else was there for me to do? I had to talk to him about it. It was now or never.

Matt almost seemed needy. He was sitting closer to me and laying with an arm slung on me at night. I felt as though I was being forced off the sofa and now the bed. He clearly has been attracted to me since we were young and yes I admit that we had experimented with each other, but that was then and this is now. Now Matt and I were friends and I had to protect that even if meant sleeping in the living room at night.

I checked the time on my phone it was eleven o'clock. I had managed to avoid Matt all day long. I hated doing that to him, but he had to learn. Maybe sleeping with him like that was wrong, but even I can't say what came over me and frankly I've been pretty pissed off at myself over it. The last thing II needed was Matt getting more ideas.

I shook my head. It was time for me to go home to Matt now. Great…just fucking great. I had a terrible feeling about this, but it couldn't be helped. I had to face the music sometime right?

Getting on my motorcycle I put my helmet on and started it up. I could only relish the time it took to get home. Which wasn't very long because before I even knew it I was getting off my motorcycle and taking off my helmet as I walked inside, up a few flights of stairs, and was staring at the door to our apartment completely terrified of what was inside waiting for me. I was home earlier than usual so, what would Matt be up to? Hopefully asleep, but who was I kidding?

I reached my hand out towards the door knob. I swallowed. Hesitating seemed a lot easier than actually opening the door so, not thinking about it I opened the door and stepped inside where I was face to face with a pissed off looking red head who was seated on the couch with a scowl on his face.

"Hey," What had I gotten into this time?


	5. Chapter 5

I dropped my helmet by the door and shut it behind me. Matt was up and looking pissed.

I shrugged the stress off my shoulders and stretched.

"Well I'll be going to bed," I announced as I walked towards the bedroom. That's when it happened.

Matt hopped off the sofa and in front of me. He made sure his face was directly in mine. Waaaaay too close in mine. I gulped. A storm was coming and I could feel it.

The hell was his problem? He didn't even flinch. He set his helmet down so, nonchalantly with a _hey_ it made me fume. First time in awhile he had even spoken to me and those are the words he chooses? I shook my head as I watched him in the very similar way a cat watches a mouse until I couldn't take it anymore.

Jumping off the couch I stepped in front of him closing all space in between us. He wasn't going fucking no where.

"Well I'll be going to bed." He said his blue eyes searching for a way around me a way that if I could help it would not be found.

"Is that it Mello? We have sex once and you completely fall apart? Do you not like me that much?" I brought it up causing the blonde to look up into my face slowly. He swallowed before speaking. His voice was softer than usual,

"No, Matt, I don't hate you. You're my best friend," he removed my hands from his shoulders and continued to look into my face. "Let's pretend it never happened. We're friends. It's better this way." Gently pushing me aside I watched as the blonde exited the room. The door shut gently and I finally felt the aching in my heart that I'd been afraid would come.

Mello had been serious. He really did not want me. Why it had come as a surprise I don't know, but for some reason I felt a whole lot lonelier than I had before.

I stared after the door that he had closed. I liked Mello. He had known that I liked him ever since we were young so, why couldn't he give me a chance?

Turning off the living room light I stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch underneath a throw. Ahhh! My life had to be complicated right? They say things must get worse before they get better. We'll see about that.

All I could think about now was how I was going to win him over. I had to win him over. I'd make Mello give me a real chance at this. For some reason though I felt as though this fight was already over before it had even started.


	6. Chapter 6

I awoke to sun beaming through the white curtains of the bedroom and directly into my eyes. I squinted and tried to will sleep back over me, but I was up for good this time. Stretching I looked over on the bedside table at the digital clock. It read 11:00 am.

"Shit!" I cursed in a low whisper. I would have to avoid Matt now. I really didn't want to see him after what I said to him. As not true as it was I had to preserve our friendship at all costs.

I slung the blankets from around me and walked into the bathroom where I turned the shower on and got in after undressing.

What would I say to him? I know it had to hurt his feelings, what I said. I continued to wash my body. I could always just pretend that I didn't say anything. I would do just that. I would act as though I hadn't said a word to him. We'd just go back to how we were right?

Mello hadn't snuck out of the house super fucking early this morning like he does. He must've slept late. I laughed out loud to myself. He was trapped! This morning, _this_ particular morning my luck was changing.

I made chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk. He was going to sit down and have breakfast with me even if it killed him. I smiled at the mere thought of Mello and I being all cosy eating meals I made for him, together. The thought was a bit too good to be true, but hey I was aloud to dream.

I heard the shower kick off so I waited for him patiently, smoking a cigarette. I'd need that cigarette before our encounter anyway because for some odd reason I was nervous. I'm not sure why I just was.

Not too long into smoking my cigarette at the kitchen table Mello appeared in the kitchen wrapped in a towel his hair just barely dripping the sunlight catching the curves of his shoulders and knees just perfectly. I choked on the smoke I had just inhaled.

"Ah Mello! Good morning," I choked out grabbing for my glass of orange juice. I took a sip of it before setting it down and looking at him.

"Good morning. You sure you're gonna live over there?" He asked sarcastically. I let the sarcasm go. I was just happy to see him standing here before me.

"Haha. Sit down and eat," I smiled to myself as I watched him. He was interestingly beautiful—no handsome. Anyone could easily fall in love with him. At least that's how I saw him.

There were hardly any words exchanged during the meal and that was alright by me. I was just so, happy that we were eating together and the weirdness was kept to a minimal. I could tell that Mello was happy as well.

After we finished I decided I would say something. It was beginning to feel awkward again.

"Mello, when you are finished with work I was thinking we could—"

"Definitely!" Mello exclaimed as he got up from his seat. I watched curiously. He didn't even know what I was about to ask.

Mello pushed his chair in and I followed suit. Mello was beginning to act odd again. I followed him into the living room watching his every move carefully.

He was rushing around pulling boxers up that for one, weren't even his boxers, two, when the hell had he begun wearing boxers? Finally three, pretty sure he didn't realize it either. He pulled on my pair of jeans and a black t-shirt that was his. Completing getting dressed I watched as he put shoes on and turned to me for a moment.

"I'll see you when I get home."

With that the blonde left in a hurry. I shook my head. What in god's name had I just witnessed?

I was in a hurry. All the nervousness was bubbling up and I could feel it coming over me again; the overwhelming need to run away and not come back for awhile. I couldn't possibly do that to Matt again. I rushed out of the apartment after getting dressed with no time to think of what I was doing until I had gotten to the stairs. Sitting at the bottom of the steps I inhaled deeply and searched my pants for chocolate. None. Looking down I realized they weren't even my damn pants, but instead they were Matt's.

I sighed. What was I doing? I couldn't let Matt down again. There was no way I could let him down, but this whole hopping back to normal something wasn't right. Standing to my feet I didn't want to think about it. Instead I had the need to buy chocolate. I had to have chocolate no matter what kind, where it was bought, I had to have it and maybe then I could start thinking straight.

Exiting the building I began to walk. I could have easily taken my motorcycle, but today was actually a nice day out. The sun was out bright, but it wasn't all that hot despite that. So, I walked and that's when I realized what the fuck had I said, "definitely" to?

Stopping in the middle of the side walk I shook my head. What the hell did I even agree to? I really need to pull myself together before something bad happens.


End file.
